Shaken and Stirred
A Blog Opener on Through Cancer Series by Katie Hawkins
I love how James Bond, Ian Fleming’s creation of the cool, sophisticated British Secret Service Agent describes how he likes his martinis… “shaken, not stirred.” I’m probably making this up, but I think it’s a metaphor for how he handles danger. The circumstances the writer creates in the novels and movies shake Bond, but he is so confident and ingenious that he never gets stirred up. He never seems flustered. I wanted to title my story of being diagnosed with cancer “Shaken NOT Stirred.” I envisioned myself being so cool under the pressure of a scary diagnosis. I pictured myself suffering well and gladly because of my rock solid faith in Jesus Christ. I wanted to be wise and collected and face the danger with aplomb like 007. However, I am both shaken AND stirred.
The literal shaking started in my hands while I was in Atlanta Georgia. Thirty-two of us from my home church, The Mount Church in Stafford, Virginia were attending the Drive Conference at North Point Community Church for three days. I’d had a biopsy the week before and was told to expect the results during that time frame. My husband begged me not to go— he was afraid I’d miss the call— but I was eager and promised him I’d pay attention to my phone. His fears proved accurate. The morning the doctor called I was so swept up in the worship, the messages, the fellowship with other believers, the great conversations happening about ministry that I missed the call from the doctor. As I exited a session right before lunch I checked my phone and realized it. I headed outside to get alone and listen but couldn’t clearly hear the message he left. I tried calling him back but all I could get were receptionists that couldn’t locate him. Then my phone went dead. The next couple hours my hands shook so hard I couldn’t even operate the phone charger. A kind North Point host found one for me and held my phone. Friends surrounded me, prayed over me, told me jokes and distracted me until the doctor finally called me back.
Once the diagnosis (Triple Negative, stage 3, Breast Cancer) was explained and I notified my family, the physical shaking stopped and I felt strangely calm. I was buoyed by all the phone calls and texts and the 31 brothers and sisters of my home church loving on me. Little did I know that the spiritual stirring and shaking was just beginning.
I thought I was the James Bond of the Spiritual world and that I’d sail through this glorifying God by considering it all joy that I had encountered this particular trial. After all, some of my real heroes that I aspire to be like had certainly suffered much worse then a temporary bout of cancer and they didn’t flinch! Jesus was crucified for crying out loud. The Apostle Paul lists a whole string of horrible things that happened to him to include floggings, beatings, shipwrecks, being left for dead. I’ve read Foxe's Book of Martyrs. Being burned alive is no piece of cake and yet saints of old face it squarely. Corrie Ten Boom, surviving the horrors of a Nazi Concentration Camp is known for her joy in the Lord and an incredible peace. A contemporary of mine, Andrea Holmes, suffered through her husband's cancer diagnosis and death and yet always stood firm on what Scripture teaches about trials and her faith was not stirred. So many more. I was going to be strong and courageous like my hero’s and make Jesus proud! It’s my turn now, I thought, to really suffer and exercise the muscle of faith. Faith isn’t faith till it’s tested and here’s my big test, right?
This blog series is an attempt to put in writing all He’s shown me from those early days of diagnosis. I had no idea then how completely my life would change. How all the activity and travel and ministry I was involved in would suddenly stop, and I’d have nothing to do but be ill. I couldn’t have guessed how completely shattered the chemotherapy would leave me feeling on the inside and how my reduced life would leave me frustrated, fidgety and feeling useless. I’m two months into treatment now and it’s time to try and capture some of my thoughts, feelings, and Spirit-prompted words. I’d be greatly honored if you walked through this cancer valley with me by reading along.
