Plans Go Awry
Part 4: More Trust Through Cancer by Katie Hawkins
“The best-laid plans of mice and men oft’ go awry” is a famous line from a poem by Robert Burns—written to a mouse whose house suddenly gets plowed over by a farmer, despite the mouse’s careful planning. I don’t know if they still teach that poem in high school Lit. class these days, but I’ve been thinking about it as my glorious plans for 2020 have gone up in smoke.
January was my month off from treatment. I felt healthy, energized, and I made plans! I knew six more months of chemotherapy began in mid-February, but my oncologist assured me that the side effects would be minimal and that he’d monitor my quality of life. To me that meant—go for it!
I looked forward to having conference sleepovers with my She Speaks Stories team, sharing my story at special events, traveling to greet my new granddaughter, driving to a promotion ceremony for my first-born, attending a family wedding and reunion, and finally enjoying a fantastic cruise with a group of best friends to celebrate my birthday and the period at the end of all my cancer treatments! Whew, so many plans, and so much anticipation!
But the developments of late have me scratching my head and muttering “the best-laid plans…” and then asking God to show me what He’d like me to learn from all of this.
First of all, the chemotherapy that wasn’t supposed to bring side effects has somehow brought them on. Nausea galore, pooping problems, hand-and-foot syndrome (my fingers pulsate with pain while my feet feel like wooden clubs), a weird dizzy feeling, and fatigue. And, did I mention, a nose that drips like a faucet and eyes that are itchy and watery?
I decided to march right into my doctor’s office and demand to have this regimen cut back or even eliminated. I want quality of life! My doc was very gracious. He asked me what my goals were. He explained that his goal was trying whatever he could to prevent my fast-growing cancer from coming back. If I had some other goal, then we’d work with that. I realized that he had a better plan for me than I had for myself. If I want a better chance of this cancer not coming back, I need to put up with six more months of not feeling very well. I need to rest a lot more. I need to take copious amounts of anti-nausea and pro-pooping meds. I figured I could still get some mighty-fine quality of life moments while preventing something worse down the road. So, chemo side effects put a bit of a crimp in my plans, but not a total stoppage.
And then, enter Coronavirus! Things are being canceled left and right! The fabulous conference our podcast team was going to host was called off. My husband cancelled the cruise. My airline contacted me to help refund or reschedule all of my flights, and an onslaught of the flu means that I am not able to attend my son’s promotion. Will 2020 resemble anything like the year I dreamed of? Will all my plans go awry?
So, talking this all over with God reminded me of several things He has said clearly in His word. First of all, He does have plans for me, plans for a future and a hope, plans to bless me (Jeremiah 29:11). I know some people think that this is a promise for the nation of Israel and that we can’t personalize it, but I think it can be taken along with New Testament promises that He is with me and for me, and that following Him does bring hope and a glorious future and blessings beyond comprehension. He reminded me that His plans for me are always good. His promise is that He will work all things together for that good… even though the circumstances themselves seem bad (Romans 8:28-29). He reminded me to give thanks in all circumstances for this is His will for me in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18). And finally, he reminded me of what James says in his letter to believers: “Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that’” (James 4:13-14).
Nothing like a good chat with God to set things straight in our hearts and minds. He is sovereign, and we can rest in the comfort of that amidst coronaviruses and chemotherapy and other things that come upon us. When our plans don’t work out, we can have a different mental attitude than the poet Burns seems to indicate will happen. The fuller quote from the Scot’s poem goes like this: “The best-laid plans of mice and men oft’ go awry …and leave us nothing but grief and pain, For promised joy!” I’ve decided not to grieve the loss of expected joy from all my plans and to look forward to what the Lord has in store for me instead. Because He is good, I know it’s going to be good!