Five Compliments and One Dig
A Blog on Humility by Katie Hawkins
It’s funny how you can get five compliments and one dig in the same conversation and all you can dwell on later is the dig. The compliments go in one ear and out the other and make you happy for an instant, but the insult gnaws at your brain and stirs your emotions for hours. Funny is the wrong word. It’s not funny at all. It is disturbing.
I was on a Zoom call with my family. I was dressed up, had makeup on and had actually tamed my poodle hair somewhat. We Zoom at least once a week, and I usually look like warmed over death. This day, one of my brothers complimented me effusively on how I looked. My sister mentioned that she’d seen some of our videos online advertising our podcast and said how much she enjoyed them. Then someone asked about my health. I launched into the latest episode of my digestive trials and that’s when the zinger came. One of my brothers typed in the chat, “and off she goes on another boring story just like Uncle____. (He will remain nameless as I love him, although others find him dull.)
That comment grew and grew in my mind in such distorted proportions. I started thinking, “Oh, my, I am boring! Has my whole family thought of me as dull and irritating all these years and no one told me until now? How can I be on a podcast that features stories if my own stories are yawners? I’m trying to write a book. If I’m dull who the heck would ever want to read my book? I should probably just give up. I need to be quiet on Zoom calls from now on, I scolded myself. Ask others about themselves and keep quiet about your own dumb stories!”
The accompanying emotions to these thoughts were embarrassment, self-loathing, self-pity, anxiety and sadness. I felt ashamed that I’d talked too long and added too many details. I could feel my cheeks flushing as I thought about it. I hated the part of me that blabs so much. My heart hurt as I contemplated not being free to be myself anymore because I’d be too worried about boring everyone around me. My nerves flared as I wondered if I should scale back my involvement in the podcast and just let my co-hosts do the interviews.
I feel a bit ridiculous confessing this, but if I don’t write of the inward despair that comes upon me sometimes, how can I showcase what Jesus does about it? He is so real and kind and personal, as Scripture says, “a real present help in time of need.” Here’s what happened.
I spent a couple of early morning hours unable to sleep and wrestling around with the above thoughts and emotions. I finally got up and made myself a strong cup of coffee and sat outside on our front porch. It was a rainy, gloomy morning which fit my mood to a T. I’d recently read in a book about spiritual direction that encouraged when something provokes you, you should linger with it. You should discuss it with the Lord and dig down deep as to why you are thinking and feeling the way you are. He’s always trying to show us things about ourselves that keep us from living the free and abundant life he died to give us. So I started talking to him about my fears and insecurities. The more I poured out to him, the freer I felt from the oppressiveness.
He reminded me of the compliments I’d received and nudged me to ponder why I couldn’t give them as much weight as the negative. He brought to mind a truth I’d learned about genuine humility. I’d taught it to others but so often I needed to reteach myself. Humility is the mother of all the other virtues. If you are full of pride it’s impossible to be kind, patient, forgiving, and to not be irritable or self-seeking. Remembering a C.S. Lewis quote, “humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s just thinking of yourself less,” made me want to back off the indulgent thoughts.
The Spirit stirred me to recall that God made me a certain way and called me into ministry that involves speaking. He’s not looking for perfection and never a dull moment. He’s looking for willingness. Quitting because of your fears that you might be considered a bore would be a sign that you are putting all your faith in your own performance instead of in the fact that you are Spirit-filled and enabled to carry out a gospel-centered ministry, not a Katie-centered ministry!
My son Mike called shortly after I asked the Lord to help me really put the whole thing to rest and learn from it instead of letting it flatten me. Mike started telling me about a class he was taking at work. The instructor was explaining two types of thinking: inside the box and outside the box. When you think inside the box, everything is about you. You are either thinking you are better than others and deserve better treatment, or you are thinking that you are worse than others and you have a great need to be seen by others in a better light. Outside the box thinking is when you are mission focused instead of self-focused and you don’t need others to validate you nor do you view others as beneath you.
I felt like God was giving me some basic wisdom: “Stop being outraged by digs. You don’t deserve better.” And conversely, “Stop feeling so inferior and stupid. You aren’t.”
To put it in scriptural terms I’ll quote the Apostle Paul writing in Romans 12, “…I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think but to think as to have sound judgment….” Sound judgment comes from God. He sends it when we talk to Him honestly, ask for His help, pay attention to the Spirit within as He nudges us with remembered Bible verses and truths and fellowship with others that are seeking wisdom also.
I’m hoping I’ll remember all this next time I’m put down and won’t lose any sleep over it. Maybe it could just be funny after all.