Identity Crisis? Again?

A Blog on Identity by Katie Hawkins

Writing the book She Speaks Stories has given me the opportunity to reflect on the themes in my life. One of those themes is identity. “Who am I?” is one of the great existential questions of life that to ask and ponder!

 I am the She speaking in my book, and it’s my story showcasing the glory of God. Prior to coming into a real relationship with Christ, I thought identity had to do mostly with the family you were born into. Then I added the people you hung out with and your reputation as defining factors.   

I discovered alcohol in middle school and realized it removed some of the crippling inhibitions I had and helped me relax enough to socialize. I remember thinking that only when I was drunk was I free to be me. I picked up cigarette-smoking because I thought it made me look sophisticated and daring. Since I belonged to the popular crowd these behaviors were reinforced along with others that weren’t the healthiest!  Through those formative years I unconsciously decided that the image of the party girl I was showing the world was the essence of who I was.

I guess you’d call that my first identity crisis. I went from the shy elementary girl who fiercely obeyed her parents and teachers, to the rebel who lived for parties, pleasures and looking cool in front of her friends. My parents despaired at times because they didn’t know who I was anymore. I was almost banished from my immediate family and sent to live with an aunt.

My second crisis came when I decided to follow Jesus. For several years I battled the idea that I would lose myself if I followed Him too closely. If I had to give up being a fun party girl who would I be? Would I be dull and boring and lose all my friends? I remember sitting down at a family party and turning down a beer that one of my brothers offered. He told me he liked me much better when I was a drunk. That stung. 

As I matured in my relationship with Christ, I started to learn about my true identity. I learned that identity is different than image. Image is me writing my own story—adding things to the character that I think will make me more likable. I’ll Smoke, I’ll Drink, and I’ll Rebel were early chapter titles. The titles of the following chapters of the story were I Won’t Drink, I Won’t Smoke, and I’ll Be Good. I thought that when the new image took hold the new crowd would like me. What I learned was that God is now the author of my story. He created me in His image for a purpose. That truth gives me worth and value. I’m His, fearfully and wonderfully made by Him. I’m made to glorify Him and to learn to enjoy Him forever. He began the story of me, and I don’t need to carve out my own identity by choosing to act on every desire within me. I don’t need to impress people with what I do or don’t do to have a secure identity.

As I grew stronger in this truth over the years, I began to teach others about identity. I said, “You are not what you do, what you have, or what you desire. You are first and foremost a beloved child of God. Be confident in who He says you are and not in who the world judges you to be based on what you do or what you have or even on what you desire.”

I have had many conversations with people who put all their hope and trust in their sexual preferences, the beauty of their home and possessions or the behavior of their kids, etc. to define them. But all those things can change.

You can lose your job. Are you then not important? 

You can lose your home and possessions. Are you not valuable then? 

Your kids can rebel. Hello... I did! Does that mean you are a worthless parent? 

What is defining you? Who is defining you?

Many of my latest conversations about identity are with lesbians who say, “This is WHO I AM, and if you don’t approve then you are rejecting ME.”  I say, absolutely not! You are not defined by your sexual desires. That might be the image which you present to the world, but it’s not the essence of you. You were created in God’s image for a purpose. I accept that to be The Truest Thing About You. (This a book on identity that is fabulous. Read it for some genuine, down-to-earth wisdom and perspective on identity.)

I used to be able to wax eloquently all day long on finding our identity in God who made us, and then I got cancer. I couldn’t work. I felt like I’d lost all I had: not material stuff which I’d always held lightly, but I lost my looks, I lost my place in ministry, I lost my joy. I even lost the desire to pray and worship God. I felt worthless. I felt unlovable. I was just a sick blob with no value as a person. WHOA!

Hence my third identity crisis. I thought that I understood my true identity comes from God. I realized I had a head knowledge of that truth but was now being taken much deeper into experiential knowledge. When all that I did, had, and desired was stripped away I came to see how much I relied on all that for my identity. If I’m not teaching Bible studies, leading outreach teams, attending prayer meetings, helping friends in need, then who am I?  In God’s infinite kindness and patience, He took me back to the absolute truth. God whispered, “You are my precious child, created in my image. You are deeply loved and valued. You have inherent worth because You are mine. You didn’t earn that by what you had or did, I give freely to those who receive and believe Me.”

I came out of that crisis with a much more secure joy in knowing that no matter what I do or don’t do, what I have or don’t have, what I desire either bad or good, I’m loved by God. He never leaves me nor forsakes me. He lives in me to continually shape me more and more into His image and that’s my identity!  I’d like to say the crisis is over, never to return, but I’m okay with revisiting important truths like this. My Creator says who I am, and He continues to write my story. I’ll be the she who speaks it and won’t worry if people think I’m cool or not. I want people to see how cool the hero of my story is and how He’s shaped me to be a supporting character in the greatest story ever. It’s His divine story.